| T O P I C R E V I E W |
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Posted - 09/02/2010 : 22:34:37
Well my dad is poorly and he has to have at least one major op over the next few weeks so from Thursday I'm going 'home' for a week. Sleeping in my old bedroom and everything. Leaving the kids at home (yay) but taking care of/supporting my parents instead (eek!). This kind of thing is normally the job of my sister but she doesn't get half term week off (good timing, huh?) so this time it's down to me.
My parents aren't old (early 60's) and only live in London, which is a flit down the M1. I visit them every couple of weeks and talk to my mum every couple of days on the phone but I think the last time I stayed overnight was about 5 years ago. I'm kind of dreading it,although some of that is to do with Dads illness - which is just too big for me to think about right now, I think I'm focusing on the feeling of 'moving back in' so I don't have to focus on that.
Has anyone else (who doesn't still live at 'home'!) had to go back at any time, as an adult? Was it better or worse than you imagined it? I keep thinking that my mum will start freaking if I'm not back from the corner shop after 20 minutes!!!
Sorry if I've rambled....I'm a bit on the stressed side!! xx |
| 10 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Sammysnake |
Posted - 11/02/2010 : 21:23:56
When we were first married (straight out of Uni) we had no jobs and no cash and my husband's parents let us live with them. Mike hated going back as his every move was questioned whilst I was the golden girl who could do no wrong and absolutely loved it! If Mike spent £3 hiring a video he was asked - "Can you really afford that?" but when I bought a vase for £5 I was congratulated for 'building a home'. I love my in-laws . |
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Posted - 10/02/2010 : 18:06:01
I hope it all works out okay for you. I helped look after my dad who had dementia (for over 5 years). I didnt move in with them though. I used to call in on my way home from work (I work nights) to help get him up and dressed etc. It was hard at times but I couldn't leave my mum to cope on her own (she was 84 and he was 85). It sounds awful but it was a blessing when he passed away. Towards the end it was like caring for a very small very ill child.......
On a lighter note I onced moved back in with mum and dad while I was between homes (before my dad became ill). It was a total nightmare. and I lasted 4 nights and made an excuse to move back out. I couldn't move with out being asked what I was doing or where I was going, etc.......It drove me totaly nuts and my stress levels went through the roof.....Its hard to go back once you have left! or it was for  me
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| n/a |
Posted - 10/02/2010 : 16:29:09
Thanks all. You're replies were appreciated.
quote:
This may seam like a weird think to say- but see if you can look at the situation from your Mums point of view... sick husband... Little girl coming home ... Shes going to be stressed and upset and and and... Just get on with what you need to do and nod and smile when you need to.
I think this is the best way to deal with things, really. I keep thinking about the fact that it's my dad who's ill and forgetting the fact that he's been my mothers love/comanion for 50 years (childhood sweethearts).
quote:
The instant we lost Dad I felt like I became an adult and the dynamic of our relationship changed. I support mum but on my own terms, only doing for her what I feel she really needs and 'encouraging' her to do what she can for herself.
I need to try and do this too. It's important that myself and my parents don't get too dependent between us, the sad fact is that I can't stay for more than 10 days because of work/kids and I need to make sure that dad and (especially) mum can cope when I'm not there.
quote:
Is it ok if I pray for your dad and your family?
I'm very touched that you'd ask, Judith and thank you, I would certainly appreciate it. Thanks all xxx |
| n/a |
Posted - 10/02/2010 : 15:50:33
quote:
Originally posted by bbsmog
I keep thinking that my mum will start freaking if I'm not back from the corner shop after 20 minutes!!!
I moved out when I was 18 for a couple of years- although I would "Pop Home" about once a month- normally when I could smell Mummy's Roast Dinner! This may seam like a weird think to say- but see if you can look at the situation from your Mums point of view... sick husband... Little girl coming home ... Shes going to be stressed and upset and and and... Just get on with what you need to do and nod and smile when you need to.
If she does freak out because you've been at the shops too long- shes keeping her brain occupied- as you aid that you are doing.
Cuppa Tea and biscuits- of wine and whatever- and LOTS of Hugs :)
xXxXx |
| Sammysnake |
Posted - 10/02/2010 : 12:58:35
I've supported my mum since we lost my Dad when I was 17 - emotionally for many years and physically now she's disabled. Occassionally I've stayed with her when necessary (for ops etc) or she has come up to stay with me and my family. The instant we lost Dad I felt like I became an adult and the dynamic of our relationship changed. I support mum but on my own terms, only doing for her what I feel she really needs and 'encouraging' her to do what she can for herself. Like Kellog said, it's important to look after yourself and keep some alone time and don't feel you have to be responsible for carrying everything and everyone. Just the fact that you are willing to go home at this time will give masses of support to her and you can lean on one another. Don't be afraid to talk about your own fears - you can help each other through this.
I think to a certain degree your Mum's behaviour towards you will be dictated by your own feelings about yourself. As long as you remember you ARE a grown-up now and responsible for your own choices then she will pick up on that and not treat you like a child.
I hope all goes well and that your Dad comes through his op well.
Much love, Sam |
| n/a |
Posted - 10/02/2010 : 11:06:35
Hi hun, sorry to hear about your dad, i moved back into my parents house after my marriage broke down, i was 23yrs old at the time, stayed there for about a year before i got my own place, i was lucky really as my mom and dad are pretty easy going and there weren't too many rules. I think your mom will just be grateful your there to help out, so just keep positive and be strong for them both thay's all you can do. Please let us know how your dad gets on and fingers crossed that the operation goes well.x |
| Kellog |
Posted - 10/02/2010 : 09:13:47
So sorry about your dad Sally-Anne. I am going through the same thing with my dad at the moment and know what you mean about not wanting to think about the future as that is just too big to deal with at the moment, it is so much easier focusing on the practicalities.
I am hoping that I wont have to move home to help...my mum and dad are in their late 70s but very independent. They are also very aware that I have 2 kids to look after and am not in the best of health myself. But I know that even when I see my mum I find it hard sometimes...I can only handle her in small doses. Whenever we go over at Christmas to stay I find after the first few days she is either beginning to treat me like a kid again or I am beginning to treat her like a kid as she behaves in such a way that needs me to. Problem is my mum talks and talks and talks and talks....
But you are there for the right reasons and know you are there for a set period of time, so you just have to grit your teeth and bear it. Try keeping in mind how scared your mum must be feeling (and your dad, of course) and allow for those feelings in whatever way they are treating you. Also try to plan into each day the time for you to get out somewhere by yourself so you have some space and some 'me' time, as without that you could definitely be driven mad!
Is it ok if I pray for your dad and your family?
xxx |
| Kehhlyr |
Posted - 09/02/2010 : 23:39:47
Sorry to hear your dad isn't to good.
Although one thing I hope happens (as well as him get better obviously) is that at some point you get the 'my house, my rules' said to you.  |
| a33272 |
Posted - 09/02/2010 : 23:13:11
im 30 and lived with my disabled mum helping out when the careers wernt there making sure she was ok, that was until last year when she passed away at the age of 50, if your there to help them im sure you will be appreciated more than they make out while you there |
| HannahB |
Posted - 09/02/2010 : 22:43:03
i have my fingers crossed for you that everything goes ok for your dad over the next few weeks, and im sure going back home wont be as bad as you think it will be hun,
hope things go ok xx |
